As it happens, the subject of 2012 has become something of a staple coincidence in my life. Every once in a while it dawns on me that someone else in the Real World has some kind of familiarity with the topic, and it's usually someone who figures pretty prominently in my past: a childhood best friend, the former love of my life, even my own brother. The funny thing about this is that the 2012 mythology is directly tied to the 11:11 phenomenon, and the 11:11 phenomenon is all about coincidence - or, more specifically, synchronicity. If you don't understand the subject of synchronicity, you need to stop reading this blog and go buy yourself a copy of Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency. Right now.

I do a lot of research on the Publius Enigma, an internet-based mystery that revolves around the 1994 Pink Floyd album, The Division Bell. Yes, I have too much free time, thank you for thinking it. Despite the fact that my search for the answers is more or less an objective fact-hunt, I do find myself coming across very bizarre yet interesting theories as to just what the hell the greatest band on the planet was trying to say to its fans when they decided to start posting riddles on Usenet, and a great deal of them have strangely wound up making a lot of sense when put together in a sort of disjointed but unified larger picture. Many times over I have found myself coming back to 2012 as a result of this. Sometimes it's through small coincidences, others it's from direct correlation. At any rate, I'm fascinated by it.

So that's been my little corner of the World Wide Web for some time, and it was nice to be getting deep into something that not a lot of people knew or cared about. Of course, now that Roland Emmerich is dropping yet another dook on American cinema, the spider-sense of every nutjob in town is going berzerk. The consequence of this is that while there were already plenty of questionable conceptions about what the end of the Mayan calendar was going to bring to the planet, there's now a sudden flood of both curiosity and paranoia brought forth by the same yammering idiots who thought the Earth was going to explode on New Year's eve of 1999. Every once in a while, it amuses me to see sensible writers out there knee-deep in all the mainstream bullshit, just trying to plough through -- plus it's nice to soothe my own primitive impulses to succomb to it all by reading a nice calm explanation of why everyone is stupid. There's a lot of misinformation on topics like this, a lot of reporting so irresponsible that it borders on deliberate midirection, and gems like this one are rare and worthwhile.

Check out 2012 Explained - Why it Shouldn't Be Feared if you have the time.

If you have even more time, scroll past the article and head straight to the reader comments. If you want a hearty laugh, read a few of those comments. If you want to retain your faith in humanity as the potential heirs to the Universe, you probably shouldn't read them all; the implications of bearing witness to such an unbelievable amount of mind-garbage can be worldview shattering.

Honestly, this is living proof that when the Internet was invented, people on the whole forgot how the hell to write. The plethora of responses here are so bad that they make me wonder if the whole "the government is covering up 2012" conspiracy is real and secret operatives in the know are clandestinely faking an ill-proportioned number of these posts in order to distort the public's image of the so-called "believers."

you guys are all in denile...you are all going to face a horrible time in 2012 and you are shuting your eyes to it..its better to know then to think its never going to happen like this prick...you dont have any facking clue about what you are saying...there more evidence of 2012 then your bullshit. many have seen what is to come, and you are blinding people from the truth. stop what you are doing, its not write. people should be prepared for it, we should be uniting with each other to find away to servive instead of denying what is to come. Ben you are trying to isolate every one, so when the date comes, you will be like " Ohh i gess every one else is wrong to" dont be stupid, you think if the sientist knew that the world will end in 2012 they will come out and say it..you daft bastered.. there are things for you to find out, hidden clues. search and you shall find, have you never heard of that saying. there is another planet called niburu and its coming, there will be devastaing effects to our world, but if we dont prepare now it will be to late.. am not saying we should start going crazy, am saying we should establish our selfs with a safty net, if it dose happen!!! do you understand??? you have to realise that the history of the mayans and other philosophers that you thought were not true have a reason to be here..which is to warn us off what is to come. they dont want us to go through the same thing they went to so they gave us advice..it is our chouice to accept or to reject these advicees. so you have no right to create a hole facking site just to prove that what you are saying is more truthful then acient philosophy, not from just one continent but from all the continients there has been a profecy of the same date. its no coencidence, so you have to prepare your self for you own sake...

"Jone Doe" here is either someone's idea of a sick joke or he's top brass for Uncle Sam's Department of Disinfo. Whatever school he's from, he's graduating Cum fucking Laude. This was artfully done; to the casual user it appears as if another whackjob is littering the web with the byproducts of his brain-damaged psychosis, but to the trained and skillful eye (mine) it's pretty goddamn obvious that the painful mispellings and grammatical errors abundant in this text were quite strategically planted by a clever mind. When you play as much Grand Theft Auto as I do, you get pretty familiar with this kind of masterfully crafted parody. The sarcasm here is laid on thick, but it's also just subtle enough to pass for the real thing.

So what's the deal? Is this evidence of a mounting effort to suppress the credibility of those who know the Truth, or is it some sneaky jackass' lunch-hour tomfoolery? Or have I seriously overestimated the natural right of the human race to continue to produce offspring? As Bill Hicks once said, perhaps Hitler had the right idea after all; he was just an underachiever. Maybe the impending doomsday of the Great Galactic Alignment is just what we need to finish the job.

So I spent the better half of 2005 downloading every single episode of Mystery Science Theatre 3000. We're talking thirteen seasons worth of the greatest show ever made - somewhere in the neighborhood of 200 plus episodes, each an hour or so long. Even at distributable file sizes, that's 700 megabytes a peice, and needless to say this was well before the age of terabyte hard drives. I was thus forced to burn them straight to data DVDs immediately because there was no way in hell I was going to use some shitty media suite DVD-maker to convert them all to barely watchable garbage.

I've been suffering the consequences ever since. Whenever I want to see an episode, I have to throw it in a PC. Fortunately, most of my television sets have a computer connected to them just for that purpose. Unfortunately, however, my bedroom set doesn't, and let's face it, MST3K is best watched in a nice cozy bed.

I do have my trusty Xbox 360 in that room, but apparently despite the fact that Windows Media Player can handle the codecs, the 360 won't have anything to do with them.

So here I am, sitting next to a networked 360 and a laptop computer. I think, "Well, I could just pop the DVD into the laptop, and stream it to the Xbox through Windows Media Center, right?" Well, nothing I'm doing is working and so I'm scrounging the World Wide Web trying to find some sort of solution when I stumble upon this car accident of a webcast, something I like to call the Microsoft Couch Guy.

Click on the link that says "View Instructions for Windows Vista Home Premium." No really, do it. Watch it ensuing travesty and tell me that it doesn't make you want to reach into your computer screen and gouge this silly motherfucker's eyes out every time he suddenly gets distracted from telling you what the fuck to do in order to work in some horrible joke from a failed stand up routine. Shut the living fuck up, you unfunny twat, and get hell on with it before I sew myself a voodoo doll in your likeness. I already tried everything you're taking your sweet time in telling me about anyway, and the only reason I'm actually listening any longer is out of the sick hope that you will actually trigger enough pure hatred in me that it will give me evil super powers. Super powers that I will use to find you and destroy you.

I haven't been brave enough to watch the other videos this site is offering, and I can probably tell you that no amount of morbid curiosity will ever be strong enough to give me the courage it would take. Also, I enjoy keeping my brain cells more or less in tact.

Die, Microsoft Couch Guy. Die a horrible, heartworm infested death.

Hey, all you people who read this website (nobody reads this website), I just contributed my first act of vengeance upon the sum of human knowledge. Yes, the training wheels are off; I have written my very first Uncyclopedia article. Check it out.

Dear Hollywood,

Can we please have an original Vietnam scene in a movie that doesn't feature background music by Jimmy Hendrix?

Thanks so much,

Me

deathofurheart: been trying to find the most disturbing/fucked up film of all time
deathofurheart: and haven't had any luck yet
deathofurheart: i want to watch a film that will make me want to puke, or take a shower, or just feel bad for watching it
chinagreenelvis: try "From Justin to Kelly"

Jason is a genius.

Struggling Reptiles Deemed "Too Big to Fail.

Earth, 65 Million B.C.

Up to 800 billion kilo-calories will be diverted from Earth’s biosphere to aid the struggling dinosaurs, God said at a press conference this afternoon.

The announcement came only days after United Therapod announced that it had finished out the reproductive season with a loss of 2 million individuals, raising fears among genetic stockholders that the line of carnivorous dinosaurs would go extinct.

This marks the third straight year that UT has posted a net population loss.

Under God’s new economic plan, UT would be one of several dinosaur groups receiving billions of kilo-calories collected from global food webs.

It is hoped that this calorie bailout will give the dinosaurs time to restructure in the face of a changing global environment.

“The dinosaurs are too big to fail” said God, “We have a responsibility to the small animals that feed upon these giants’ feces. I will not allow millions of feces eaters to go unfed. To not take swift action to prevent the extinction of the dinosaurs will result in an unmitigated disaster.”

Another dinosaur group that stands to benefit from the bailout is General Saurapod, who has long invested in huge long-necked bodies. These giant bodies were quite popular before the Yucatan asteroid impact, but now face starvation due to caloric needs far in excess of what they can obtain by grazing the sparse vegetation that remains. This will be the second bailout that GS has received. It was previously given 100 million kilocalories to prevent its extinction during the late Jurassic period.

When reached by phone, GS president Grom Thundertail praised the second bailout: “What’s good for General Sauropod is good for all lifeforms.”

But not all lifeforms support the bailout. According to one crocodilian, “If you want to be a high-roller with big bodies and fast metabolisms, fine, but I shouldn’t have to sacrifice my calories for you to do it—I mean, these guys didn’t talk about sharing when they were having reproductive success.” This swamp-dweller’s attitude is typical of many mid-sized reptiles, amphibians, and fish, who object to having their own food supplies—already decreased by the effects of last year’s asteroid impact—further diminished in an effort to keep the dinosaurs alive.

Fast Darkwater, a shark of the inland sea, said “I think diverting calories to keep them alive is just going to make this disaster worse for the rest of the ecosystem. And, you know, everyone talks about all the feces eaters and gut worms and skin lice that will lose their niches. But no one talks about all the new niches that would be created if these damned “thunder lizards” were allowed to croak. I mean, look at that new start-up lifeform, Birds Limited. They’d have never broken into aviation if God had bailed out the pterosaurs at the end of the Jurassic.”

The few remaining pterosaur species, while not technically dinosaurs, are also eligible to receive bailout calories under God’s new redistribution plan.

Threestripe Rex, spokes-reptile of UT, responded to complaints in a press conference that took place an hour after God’s announcement. “Look, I have a degree in ecology, my staff all have degrees in ecology, we know what we’re doing. This bailout plan is unfortunate, but it will be the last one. We have very sophisticated risk-assessment models that tell us that the odds of another dramatic climate change happening are virtually zero.” When asked by a reporter why these risk models had not anticipated the asteroid strike, Rex became impatient: “You can’t expect a model to take account of exogenous variables.”

After fielding questions about how his group would use the bailout calories—revealing plans for bigger jaws and a new line of “environmentally friendly” omnivores—Rex assured the crowd that “United Therapod will be strong again, and all species will benefit.” He then left the conference room, pausing to scrape the crushed remains of a small mammal from off his foot.